The Beginning of the End

[0:00]Welcome back to What Else Don't I Know, a podcast where I examine a family tragedy
[0:07]
The Beginning of the End
[0:05]that ended in the death of my parents. As you probably know by now, talking about this incident is fairly new to me and a bit of a struggle. My hope, though, is that sharing my story might also help someone else. I'm your host, Yvette Griffea-Gray and this is episode four, The Beginning of the End.
[0:27]In the last episode, I revisited three of my childhood memories that, looking back, pointed to signs of trouble ahead. As a kid, I would have been confident in saying that these were isolated incidents. Of course, now I know that can't possibly be true. Leaving me to wonder how much my mother endured and did she suffer alone? Did she say what led to the broken dinner dishes or tell anyone about the tub? I guess I won't ever know for sure. But at some point, after all these things happened, my mother decided to leave. You may also recall in episode three, my mother asking me who I wanted to live with.
[1:08]
Childhood Memories
[1:08]I don't ever recall answering this question, but the decision was eventually made for me when my mother and I moved to my maternal grandparents. At my grandparents' house, my mother and I would share one room. A flight of stairs off the kitchen pantry led to the place my mother once shared with her four brothers and sisters. It was spacious enough. Two large bedrooms with a hallway and bathroom that separated the two.
[1:36]I do wonder, though, how my mother must have felt back in her childhood room, now with a child of her own. While living with my grandparents, I recall my mother teaching me how to spell three words, encyclopedia, dictionary, and helicopter. I distinctly remember being nestled in the bed with my mother's arms wrapped around me. She made it easy for me to memorize and sound out each word by breaking it down into syllables.
[2:03]Encyclopedia. E-N-C-Y-C-L-O-P-E-D-I-A. Encyclopedia. My mother broke down each word just like that until I learned all three. When I think about it now, I don't know if these spelling lessons were a regular routine for us or how my mother settled on those three words, which, in my opinion, are pretty impressive for a five-year-old to know how to spell. Without knowing for sure, I've come to one conclusion. My mother obviously wanted me to be smart. There is, of course, such a thing as one being too smart, which leads me to my second memory of living at my grandparents' house the night my mother told me to go to bed and I didn't listen. But in my defense, how could my mother expect me to go to sleep when Beretta was on TV? So Beretta was a TV show about a New York City undercover detective, Tony Beretta, which was played by the late Robert Blake. Beretta was a cool guy. He carried a cockatoo on his shoulder and he had a catchphrase. Don't do the crime if you can't do the time. And sure, it sounds corny now but it was a really good show and I wanted to watch it. Prompting the idea that I could probably outsmart my mother. I mean, I know how to spell three big words after all. So using my arm to cover my face I shielded my eyes from my mother leaving just enough room for me to peek underneath and still see the television.
[3:28]It was a solid plan, but eventually she found me out. So we made a quick trip to the bathroom and suffice it to say, I missed that episode of Beretta.
[3:39]I have one final memory of living with my mother at my grandparents' house. But to be honest, I am fuzzy on the details.
[3:46]
The Kidnapping Incident
[3:47]But maybe that makes sense. This is the night that my father kidnapped us in the middle of the night at gunpoint. Perhaps it's the trauma of it all, but I can only tell you what I was wearing, which is a pink nightgown and it had elastic gathering with, I think, blue stitching. I can tell you where I was standing, which was in the pantry. And I can tell you that there was a struggle over a gun. But for the life of me, I cannot tell you who my father was struggling with. I also remember riding in the car in our pajamas. But I don't at all remember feeling afraid.
[4:27]
Interview with Grandfather
[4:27]To help clarify a few details from that night, we're going to check in with my grandfather. His name is Charles. He's 95 years old, and in my family, we sometimes affectionately refer to him as the preacher's son. My grandfather has been a pretty amazing man in my life, and while he still does a few things well at 95, he needs a little help with the tech. So my auntie is in Chicago helping him get set up for our interview. Here we go. Good morning. Good morning. All right, here's your granddad.
[5:02]I just want to test if he can hear you good, because yesterday you heard good with these earphones, didn't you? Yeah. So, Yvette, I think I'm going to plug in earphones. Okay. Now, Yvette, say something again. Say it. Okay. Hi, Granddad. Hi, Dr. We're picking up on the part of the conversation where I've just asked my grandfather if he remembers the night where my mother and I were kidnapped from his home. I remember that, but I wasn't out of that work. I remember coming home, and I'm getting a call about what was going on. When I got home, everything was over. Oh, really? So you were not in the house when that happened? No, I was at work. Oh, okay. I didn't know that. It was good I was at work because I was working with the police.
[5:58]She was a police officer. and it might have been something bigger if I had been home or been some real shooting, some dips.
[6:10]It might have worked out good I wasn't home. I understand what they told me about your dad finding the ladder. He was getting up in the upper room and he knew where everything was because he'd be away all the time. Mm-hmm. And I understand that, you know, breaking through the winter, it's right in the sound. I think it sounds up there, right, and coming down. And they did get a shout-off downstairs, the way they was telling it. But everything that happened was after, I don't mean I wasn't home. I didn't know, wasn't involved in any of it. It was just a story they were telling when I got home. I think they were arguing in the little pantry down here in the kitchen. And they were arguing in the pantry. That's when I think Cliff got a shot off in there. And I guess they called the police and then he took off. And from that moment on, he was gone, I think, back to Cleveland. And everything was just up in the air when I got on. Everybody just couldn't believe it, you know. My God, just like anything happened that you wouldn't believe a person would do.
[7:34]Music.
[7:41]And just like it was so much happening in that kind of area. And so, I mean, you can understand it, but you couldn't really think it happened to you. But you couldn't really think it happened to you. Full transparency, when I hear my grandfather say that had he been home, there might have been some real deaths, I find myself wishing that he had been home. and I find myself wishing that the death had been my father's. It feels foreign to hear myself make that statement out loud as that's not really who I am as a person. I don't normally wish for another human being's death. But had that scenario played out, perhaps I would still have my mom. I would have at least had more time with her. My recollection of my mother teaching me how to spell the word encyclopedia may seem insignificant to the listener. But it's one of the few firsthand memories that I have of her.
[8:42]I can't remember the sound of her voice. I don't know her favorite color or her favorite song. Even when I see my mother in my mind, she's frozen in the snapshot of that particular memory. There's no movement. There's no laughter. There's no sound. I've often been told that people loved my mother, but I will never get the opportunity to know her in the way that the people who loved her did.
[9:10]That was stolen from me. And that's not to say that I hate my father. I don't hate him anymore. My feelings toward him now are neutral at best. Having said all that, though, I would not have wanted my grandfather to live with the fact that he had shot and killed my father in front of me. I think that would have changed who he is as a man. I think that would have changed me. My grandfather's account did surprise me, though. If he didn't struggle with my father over the gun, then who did? I was also unaware that my Aunt Sondra was at the house that night.
[9:53]
Aunt Sondra's Account
[9:49]She lived in Minneapolis at the time, so why was she at my grandparents' house? You heard from my Aunt Sondra in episode one. We're going to check back in with her and find out what details can she provide about the events of that night. I wanted to go back to the night that we were taken from the house at Granddad's. Okay. I was talking to a granddaddy about it, and he recalls it differently than I remember it. I didn't realize that you were there. Yes, absolutely.
[10:22]So he told me that, but he said that he was not home. Oh, yes, he was. He said that he didn't know about anything. He was at work and he had come home. And by the time he got home, everything was over. Oh, my goodness. Wow. That's shocking.
[10:44]So how do you remember it? your mother was in the bed in your room and you were already in the bed and I was sitting there, consoling Helen and I looked up and Cliff came in there with a gun, what were you consoling her for because he had beat her up and she was in the hospital the reason why i was there is he had assaulted her.
[11:29]And she had to go to the hospital and upon her release i got called and i jumped on the first thing smoking which is why I was in the house.
[11:44]And we took pictures of her face. I don't know that she was kept, but Bill, Dolores, we were there. Well, we were all there. And when they all left, I remember sitting at the table with Mama and Pops going over, you know, the disbelief. And so Helen went upstairs to go to bed you know she was living there pending the divorce you guys had moved out of your house your dad I didn't even hear him breaking in I later found out he put a ladder to the front of the house and came in through the windows of the front bed bedroom so I was checking on Helen and I think she was pretty much asleep I don't recall a conversation other than me just consoling and rubbing her and next thing I know I looked up and here comes your dad walking in the door he was standing in the doorway and I was like.
[13:00]What are you doing? What are you doing? Oh, my God. And I'm assuming that you were in the other room because within a few moments, you came in the room.
[13:18]And I said, please don't let Yvette see you like this. Please. And he made Helen get up, still had the gun pointing at her and you were standing there and I pleaded with him again.
[13:43]To put that away so you wouldn't see it and he didn't so he got us all three you me and Helen he got us out to the hallway and he was backing down the stairs, holding us at gunpoint and when we got to that curve in the steps uh I rushed.
[14:20]And between, I don't know how I did it, but I pushed him aside. But I ran in Mama's room and said, Cliff is here. Get your gun. Now, I wouldn't say that to Mama.
[14:36]Okay? I'd have said that to your granddad. And by the time they jumped up, I heard a shot go off. And I went, oh, my God. And what had happened was Helen had grabbed you and ran in the pantry and she pushed the door. He got his arm in, but she pushed the door against his arm. And that's why the shot went off. And that's why a bullet was in the pantry wall. And by the time we're talking seconds by the time mama and pops got up, i heard a kick in the front door he he opened up the regular door the inside door he kicked open the screen door he snatched you and must have had helen i i don't know how he had helen But she was in her nightgown There was no shoes on You were barefoot By the time we got to the car He was speeding off.
[15:51]He had thrown you guys in the car And you were gone All I saw was taillights And we called the police.
[16:07]
Unraveling the Truth
[16:07]I will never forget that scene Ever, So once again, I learned that even though I'm missing a few pieces of the puzzle, my memories are intact. And they align with the accounts of both my grandfather and my aunt for what happened that evening. The only point of contention seems to be was my grandfather home or not. And as it turns out, the struggle for the gun was with my mother.
[16:41]And I can't see that. Even though I was standing in the pantry and present, the struggle for the gun has always been shrouded in darkness. And in my mind, I could not see who the other person was.
[16:56]And if you had asked me, I would have said that the gun went off and whoever he was struggling with said, you know what, okay, I'm just going to let you go because someone's going to get hurt. And really, maybe that is what happened. I imagine now that my mother surrendered to first and foremost protect the life of her child. And maybe even that of my Aunt Sandra and my grandmother and my grandfather, if it's true that he was home. I mean, at this point, who could predict what my father was capable of? He had beaten up my mother so bad that she ended up in the hospital. And learning that information alone made me sad and also let me know that she suffered way more than I witnessed. And then as a follow-up to that abuse, my father uses a ladder to break into my grandparents' home to kidnap us and in the course of that allows a gun to go off in the presence of his daughter. Yeah, I can see my mother at that point surrendering and just praying for the best because clearly things were escalating. And I'm wondering now if this act was the beginning of the end. We'll talk about that more in the next episode of What Else Don't I Know?
[18:17]If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, please know that you are not alone. There are resources available to help. You can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE. That's 1-800-799-7233. Or visit their website at thehotline.org to speak with a trained advocate who can provide support and connect you with local resources.
[18:45]Music.